I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
