in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
