You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
