apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
