While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
