he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
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