I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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