She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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