You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
