When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
