Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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