And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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