I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize
