forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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