there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize