u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
