someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
