your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
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