The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
