We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
