my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
