I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
