yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
They are going to name an STD after you.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Randomize
