Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
