this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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