remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Do you have feelings for this penis?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
