Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
