Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
