maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
