You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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