If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
