I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
