my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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