so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Randomize
