I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Who did Billy Mays play for?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
