i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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