Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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