Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
