if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Randomize
