How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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