The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
