Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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