Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
