there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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