now i know why i became what i already was.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
