Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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