hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I did not marry a roomba.
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