my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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