I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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