you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
