um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
