I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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