The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize