we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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